Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List - Rated 4.46996 from 449 votes.
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.


747 - Rated 4.43501 from 538 votes.
What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!



911 - Rated 4.29023 from 572 votes.
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.


A Blonde Party - Rated 4.32053 from 535 votes.
What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?
Women!



A Blonde with Earrings - Rated 4.57174 from 474 votes.
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.



A Blonde's Brain At Work - Rated 4.49237 from 525 votes.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."



A Blonde, the Beach, and...Beer - Rated 4.2705 from 562 votes.
Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.



A Flaky Blonde - Rated 4.41681 from 487 votes.
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''


A Side Order of Blondes - Rated 4.57092 from 479 votes.
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.




Adjustable Steering Wheels Are Funny - Rated 4.3833 from 493 votes.
Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.

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